"I shouldn't say this, but ... "
In the past few months, I've gotten better at cutting people off. Specifically, cutting people off before they say something that will offend me.
It's the type of thing you can see a mile away: "I'm not sexist, but [insert sexist comment]" or "I don't want to be mean, but [insert mean comment]" or "I know you like [xxxx], but [negative comment about xxxx]."Anytime there's an overarching statement followed by a but, you know that whatever comes next, it's not going to be pretty.
Recently when I hear that, I stop the speaker and say, "Then I don't want to hear it. No, really, if it's going to make me mad, don't say it." Thinking about it, it's usually been with the people closest to me like my boyfriend or sister. I suppose I feel more comfortable doing that to people I know as opposed to strangers; their emotional proximity means they can't write me off as a bitch. They know me better than that.
However, denying hearing unpleasantries opens me up to the criticism that perhaps these unpleasant statements are truths I'm avoiding. I've thought about it and in hindsight, I don't think I avoided hearing unpleasant truths. I think I avoided hearing things that would have hurt me or people I love. The benefit of hearing it probably wouldn't outweight the pain caused by the statement.
I suggest trying it out. Next time someone says "I know I shouldn't say this, but ...," stop them right there. They know better than that; they admitted it themselves. It's not worth the pain they'll cause.
Lindsay Bacher
Reader Comments (6)
Right. No use putting unnecessary negative energy out into the universe if it can be avoided.
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